I’ve started to realise, over the years, that I am full of contradiction. The things I like are often diametrically opposed. I’m inside out. Upside down. I first recognised this while I was at art college twelve years ago. I was interested in natural form; botanics, sea life, growth and movement yet, at the same time, I was drawn strongly to the solid, unmoving and relative harshness of geometrics. Actually, what I loved the most was putting these things together.
I also realised at art college that I’m a perfectionist. This isn’t a humble brag. It’s not a good thing at all. It’s disabling and, not only does it stop me from finishing things, it usually stops me from starting. And yet, I love imperfection elsewhere; Wabi Sabi, irregularity, screen printing, Lino cutting, lovely mistakes and happy accidents. I love watching my daughter painting and drawing and making it up as she goes along. The pure joy of just mucking about and seeing what happens.
One of my lifelong contradictions has been my love for the sun. It’s unrequited. It should love me like a child because I need it so badly. My blood drags through my veins like a sleepwalking teenager*, refusing even the briefest stopover with my fingers and toes, (and, I sometimes think, my brain!) which are usually white and numb. When the sun shines enough to start my thaw, not only do I need to feel it on my skin, I need it to melt the ice that’s formed in my bones. So, it seemed particularly unfair when, in 2012, I was diagnosed with melanoma and basal cell carcinoma. How could the sun do this to me when I loved it so much? I can only conclude that the sun is a sadist.
So, a few years on, and I am ready to take on my love of the sun and its hatred of me, stick two fingers up to its harmful rays and tell them to go play where the sun don’t shine! I’m making great progress so stay with me and I’ll keep you posted……
Sun, I worship you and salute you but you are a bit of a shit.
*Thanks, Guy Garvey. ‘Do I have time, a man of my calibre stood in the street
like a sleepwalking teenager’ Elbow’s Bones of You. Always loved this song!